Friday, October 30, 2015

Why I am who I am

Why I am who I am?
For my first blog post I decided to write about an events that shaped me, to be who I am today. And why I act like I act. 

Sticking up for myself. 
 Ever since I was a baby, I've always felt the need to stick up for myself. I'm not sure if there was actually an event that made me this way, or maybe it's because I grew up with two older sisters, so I had to fight for myself? I'm not sure. But I do know, that in 5th grade I was bullied, and because I was the new kid at school certain girls would spread rumors about me. And I know I did not like that. So when I found out who was spreading rumors about me, I went right up to them, and confronted them about it. Yes, it may have been harsh of me to do that, because I was only in 5th grade, but it seemed to work. The girl stopped spreading rumors about me, and my friends became my friends again. 
 Though, now that I'm in high school, I have noticed it is harder to stand up for yourself. Again, this year, a different girl, started telling her friends (which were my friends) that I was an awful and hurtful person. So the girls she told this too, started ignoring me, and I had no idea why. And again, I went up to them to try to find out why they were acting this way, and they seriously just said "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" and walked away. That was really hard for me to handle, because I had no idea what I did to make them not want to be my friend anymore. So my only choice was to walk away from the friendship. 
  I did not want to do this, but it was the only option. I did not have the choice to work through the issue. I had to leave the friendship with the girls having a bad "picture" of me in their heads. I could not stand up for myself, and I hated that.

   I then tried to forget about them. Tried to erase them from my memory, cause every time I thought about our friendship, I felt a big amount of guilt. I'd work my way through the events that happened, that led up to us not being friends. And I'd think, well maybe if I did that, this would not have happened. And I would get so frustrated with myself. So I then looked myself in the mirror and asked myself "do you have any real regrets from the friendship? Was there ever a time, where you felt guilty for something you did?" And my answer would always be no. 

    Now that this event has past, I have come to the conclusion, that with some people you can never change the way they look at you. And you have to be okay with that. And if your "friends" don't want to hear your side a story, or whatever it is, then they are not the best "friends" for you; and there is nothing you can do but decide to surround yourself with only real friends.  



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  2. Jessica, I love this post. You make it very easy to relate to you and your struggles, because you use a tone and narrative that is easy to resinate with. I also love that you talk about your personal struggle with people and the drama that occurs, because boy, oh boy do I relate!! How is it that you came to the conclusion that you need to move on from that friendship? And if you could go back would you change anything revolving around the conflict?

    1. Olivia, Thank you so much!
      I came to the conclusion that I needed to move on from the friendship because I noticed that I was being hurt more, than I was being loved. And when I would think about the friendship I would feel hurt, lonely and left out. And I think when looking back on a friendship one of the first thoughts that should pop to your head should be all the positives and good times you had with them. So for me, that was not the case. When do you think it's the right time to end a friendship?

  3. Jessica,
    I'm really glad you posted this. I think it's very hard for some girls to stand up for themselves and it's really nice to see that you are able to do that. I have been in a similar situations, where my closest friend said that we weren't friends anymore, and then spread rumors about me. I felt really alone during that period of time, and I was really upset. But, I pulled myself together, and made some really good new friends. Although, I do find myself thinking about what would have happened if we had continued to be friends. Do you ever find yourself feeling like that? And do you ever wish that you could go back and talk to the person who spread the rumors beforehand?

    1. Jordan, I'm very sorry you had to go through that, it must have been miserable.

      I definitely find myself thinking 'what would have happened if we had continued to be friends.' And I always come to the conclusion of, if I was still in that friendship, then I would still be getting hurt.
      I always wish that I could go back and talk to the person who hurt me/spread rumors etc. Because I want to ask them one simple question and that is "Was I such an awful friend, that it made you feel obligated to hurt me that much?" or maybe just a super simple one worded questions; "Why?"
      What would you say/ask to the person who spread rumors about you?

    2. Jessica,
      I honestly wouldn't know what I would say. This person has been very cruel to me, and has made my life very hard. I think I would try to understand why, try to wrap my head around why this person thought it was necessary to do this to me. I personally am happy that I'm out of that friendship, because like you said, I would have been hurt later on. Do you think you would explain to your old friends what happened if you got the chance? Or are you at peace with everything now?