Friday, October 30, 2015

Why I am who I am

Why I am who I am?
For my first blog post I decided to write about an events that shaped me, to be who I am today. And why I act like I act. 

Sticking up for myself. 
 Ever since I was a baby, I've always felt the need to stick up for myself. I'm not sure if there was actually an event that made me this way, or maybe it's because I grew up with two older sisters, so I had to fight for myself? I'm not sure. But I do know, that in 5th grade I was bullied, and because I was the new kid at school certain girls would spread rumors about me. And I know I did not like that. So when I found out who was spreading rumors about me, I went right up to them, and confronted them about it. Yes, it may have been harsh of me to do that, because I was only in 5th grade, but it seemed to work. The girl stopped spreading rumors about me, and my friends became my friends again. 
 Though, now that I'm in high school, I have noticed it is harder to stand up for yourself. Again, this year, a different girl, started telling her friends (which were my friends) that I was an awful and hurtful person. So the girls she told this too, started ignoring me, and I had no idea why. And again, I went up to them to try to find out why they were acting this way, and they seriously just said "I don't want to be friends with you anymore" and walked away. That was really hard for me to handle, because I had no idea what I did to make them not want to be my friend anymore. So my only choice was to walk away from the friendship. 
  I did not want to do this, but it was the only option. I did not have the choice to work through the issue. I had to leave the friendship with the girls having a bad "picture" of me in their heads. I could not stand up for myself, and I hated that.

   I then tried to forget about them. Tried to erase them from my memory, cause every time I thought about our friendship, I felt a big amount of guilt. I'd work my way through the events that happened, that led up to us not being friends. And I'd think, well maybe if I did that, this would not have happened. And I would get so frustrated with myself. So I then looked myself in the mirror and asked myself "do you have any real regrets from the friendship? Was there ever a time, where you felt guilty for something you did?" And my answer would always be no. 

    Now that this event has past, I have come to the conclusion, that with some people you can never change the way they look at you. And you have to be okay with that. And if your "friends" don't want to hear your side a story, or whatever it is, then they are not the best "friends" for you; and there is nothing you can do but decide to surround yourself with only real friends.